The Story of Cain and Abel
by Trippy McStumblefoot
Summary: In a fit of jealous rage over his lost love Lilith, Cain kills Abel. But will a meddling Adam save the day?
1. Conversations of a man and wife

It was a lovely day in the HORRIBLE HELL of PAIN and TOIL outside the shattered walls of the Garden of Eden, from which man had been forever banished.  
  
"Bitch," said Adam to Eve, who was busy painfully birthing a child.  
  
"Shut up, cuntface." said Eve, popping a child from her womb.  
  
"Jesus christ," said Adam, "that's an ugly motherfucker. What are we going to call him?"  
  
"How about 'A-S-S-H-O-L-E'?" said Eve. "It's pronounced Ashley, but spelled in a way that offends Christians!"  
  
"Good enough for me!" said Adam.  
  
"You should find your cumchugging fag of a son," said Eve.  
  
"Which one?" asked Adam.  
  
"Dunno, just find one. It's important for the plot progression." replied Eve.  
  
"Plot? What the fuck, bitch? This story is nothing but rampent pandering to the distraught and depraved individuals perusing the Bible section looking for R rated Bible fanfiction."  
  
"Whatever," said Eve. "Just go find your fucking fagchild." 


	2. Abel ponders losing his virginity

"Cain..." croaked Lilith. "Oh, Caniepoo. I've got a present for you. It's called... YOUR DICK IN MY CUNT, PRONTO!"  
  
Lilith crept around in the woods until she came upon a clearing which was shaded by the forest canopy. There, in the very center, on top of a small earthen mound, Cain and Abel were engaged in a 69.  
  
"Oh Christ you fucking sex crazed lunatics..." screamed Lilith, "FUCK A FUCKING GIRL, for FUCK'S SAKE!"  
  
"But Lilith," said Cain, "you're all nasty. You've got maggots in your bush and shit. You're a gross slut!"  
  
"I've never copulated with a female before," said Abel.  
  
"Oooh, so you're technically a virgin!" said Lilith.  
  
"I suppose..." mused Abel. "Though, I've fucked a sheep. I fucked a goat. I rammed my cock right down its throat. So what? Oh yeah, I've even sucked my old man's cock."  
  
"Don't forget my cock!" Cain chimed in. "But you aren't thinking of fucking this nasty slut, are you?"  
  
"I dunno, I want to know what sex is like the way GOD intended..." said Abel.  
  
"Don't go for that shit, Abel," said Cain. "God is our fucking ENEMY. He cast us out into the barren wastelands of Iraq. Just think, one day he'll probably create a superpower of a nation allied with the state of Israel who will come back and nuke the Garden of Eden off the face of the earth. I mean, he's THAT fucking evil."  
  
"Wow," said Lilith, "that's pretty evil."  
  
"SHUT UP BITCH!" said Cain. "So Abel, are you gonna fuck her or not?"  
  
"Well Lilith, what do you think?" asked Abel.  
  
"ABEL!" shouted Cain, "Don't do it man, she just wants to use you as a semen bank from which to birth her unholy spawn!"  
  
"Oh, you're just jealous..." said Abel.  
  
"Jealous with CONCERN for my little brother's well being! You think fucking a goat is nasty... well this chick is as nasty as fucking ten thousand goats!"  
  
"I don't mind, can't I just give it a try?" asked Abel.  
  
"Abel, god help me, I'll restrain you physically if I have to..." said Cain. 


	3. Aftermath

"Dum de dum," sad Adam, "looking for some fine young ass to rape, err... nurture and protect, and... OH MY GOD!"  
  
Adam stared slackjawed in disbelief at the eviscerated corpse of Abel scattered over the ground. Cain knelt beside his open abdomen, covered with blood and holding a sharp stick pointed at the opening. He turned to his father and stared. Lilith was standing nearby, but upon seeing Adam she turned to him with a shocked expression on her face.  
  
"I didn't do it!" shouted Lilith, dashing off into the darker regions of the forest.  
  
"CAIN!" shouted Adam. "What do you have to say for yourself?"  
  
"Uhh, I didn't do it?" said Cain.  
  
"Now Cain," began Adam, "I know you're stupid because Eve is a clone of me meaning I fucked myself, so all the recessive traits in our genes were brought out in you. But for the love of God, wait, I hate god..."  
  
"Yes, you hate God," said Cain.  
  
"I do hate God," said Adam, "but what of it?"  
  
"I just lied to you," said Cain. "God would've wanted me to tell the truth. God also wouldn't have wanted me to murder Abel. By doing these things, I'm disobeying the will of God."  
  
"By George, you're right," said Adam.  
  
"Let's never fight again, Dad." said Cain.  
  
"I love you, Cain," said Adam. "But there's one thing that's bothering me. Who was that nasty chick who ran off when I got there?"  
  
"Oh, that's just Lilith," said Cain, "she's a skank whore!"  
  
"Ha ha, you can say that again," said Adam.  
  
"Ha ha ha!" said Cain, "Say dad, can I fuck mom?"  
  
"Ha ha ha!" replied Adam, "NO!" 


End file.
